How many more seasons do you have in you ABC??

Dear "Bachelor" Producers,

Kudos to you guys.  Not only have you managed to find the stupidest women in America, you've managed to keep them all out of that nasty little "over 30" age bracket.  Oh - and the RV idea?  How very "Rock of Love" of you.  I thoroughly enjoy watching dip-shit 23 year-olds teeter around in Christian Louboutin heels on a CAMPGROUND!!!  Thank you.  A special thank you to the girl from New York - the swimsuit model with the so obviously Resatylane enhanced lips and the over-exaggerated Long Island accent who, by the way, looks suspiciously closer to 35 than she is to 25.  She makes all New York women shine by example.  No wonder the rest of the country thinks less of us.  She didn't even know how to start a FIRE.  Hello???  Cavemen were able to figure out that if you rub 2 sticks together, something might spark up.  I'm sure those fancy pants producers of the show were able to provide lighter fluid for you.  Did a chef make those s'mores?

To the women pining for this man, whom you met a mere month ago; I really admire how you all managed to muster the tears and shock for the women who are lucky enough to get the boot.  Are you all that stupid or are you just really really good actors?  Newsflash - these women are your COMPETITION.  Do you think David Beckham cries a little inside when the other team loses a game? 


And last but not least - Jake.  I am slow clapping for you man.  The tears, the drama.  Having 8 typically and conventionally (and kind of in a boring way) beautiful women are "falling in love with you" and you act as though you have been given the job of bringing peace to the world.  Is the choice that hard?  Seriously - at least 3 of them all kind of look the same and I'm sure you have trouble keeping their names straight.  Most of them are in marketing (a very vague and broad term synonymous with "expendable job at which I will leave as soon as I make the cover of People").  Does it really matter in the end?  No.  


Anyway, a sincere thank you to the producers, the staff and all of you who make my Monday night so much more exciting.  Because nothing beats making fun of hot messes and watching grown women act like sorority girls.


Love,


Stephanie 

Stay-Cation/Vacation

There's nothing like an 11 day long STAY-cation to bring out the anxiety in me.  I had big plans for this week.  Mostly to start planning our wedding - which is - according to the "Plan My Wedding" iPhone app - only 8 months and 8 days away!!!  What???  I keep thinking I have like 10 months at least.

So yesterday, in an effort to be proactive we did go to the church.  We had high hopes of meeting with a priest, getting our day approved and setting up all those classes thingies (pre-canter?).  It would have been a huge achievement in our wedding planning.  Instead we were met with a very unfriendly Church Lady (she had the hair and distasteful look on her face down to a T) who made us fill out some form and told us "The priest will be getting in touch with you".

Very anti-climatic.  I mean - it wasn't like we were interviewing for a job.

Anyway, that was the extent of our wedding planning.  Yet, whenever anyone asked me what I was going to do with a whole 11 days off - my stock answer was "Plan my wedding".  I failed to mention that I would also be going out and drinking heavily, getting hungover, having multiple birthday celebrations in my honor, catching up on reality TV and buying a magazine holder for our bathroom.

Now, with only 4 days left (out of those 11), I must come up with exciting ways to spend them.  I am starting with cleaning the house.

Boring Crap

I feel so uninspired lately.  Maybe it's reality TV.  Maybe it's my recent birthday.  Or the movie High Fidelity.  Maybe I should blame John Cusack for the rut I'm in.  He's like the king of the uninspired.  I blame him.  It would be a lot easier than looking inward.  


I'm 28.  I live in NYC.  Which some would consider to be a pretty inspiring city.  I'm jaded.


In the past year I've - moved in with my boyfriend, left my old city apartment, changed my job TWICE, changed my haircolor 3 times, got engaged, thought about changing my job again, met new friends, lost old friends... basically I did a lot of things.  And yet, I feel so UNDER-achieved.  


I know I have something in me to write about.  It's what I do.  But maybe I need to write a lot of crap before the good stuff can be unleashed.  


I have this theory that we may have a carbon dioxide leak in my apartment.  Obviously it must be a very slooooow leak because we aren't even close to dead yet.  But it's enough of a leak to make us completely lazy and couch bound.  Which I have been for the past few days.  Even my dog is moping around the apartment like she's Hamlet or something and she has the weight of Denmark on her shoulders.  Lately, it has been a lazy household, let me tell you.  The thing is, we wouldn't even know if there was a carbon dioxide leak because I pulled the detector out of the ceiling a few weeks ago during a cooking mishap.   


OK, I must go now.  The Millionaire Matchmaker is on.


Stay tuned.  It gets better.